The Breakfast Club: The Hogwarts Version
by somedayangeline
Summary: Five Harry Potter students spend a Saturday in detention and learn many life lessons. Uh, not exactly.


The Breakfast Club: The Hogwarts Version 

Five students enter the classroom and take seats separately. They are Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom. None of the five look especially thrilled to be there.

Professor Snape enters a few minutes later, clearly in a bad mood.

"All right, there is to be no talking." Starts passing out parchment. "Each of you is to write me an essay telling me who you think you are. Any questions? Yes?"

Harry, slouching in his seat: "Yeah, I got a question. Does Hagrid know that you've been raiding his supply shed for hair products?"

Snape: "Ten points from Griffyndor, Mr. Potter, you snot-nosed brat."

Harry: "But that's not fair."

Snape: "That's another ten points from Griffyndor."

Harry: "Why should we have to write an essay? Being in your stinky old dungeon all Saturday is punishment enough."

Snape; "That's ten more points from Griffyndor."

Harry: "But I've got a Quidditch match tomorrow. I don't have time for an essay."

Snape: "That's fifteen points. You want to keep going?"

Harry, crossing his arms: "Yes."

Snape: "That's fifteen more, Mr. Potter. Shall we double it?"

Hermione turns around and mouths at Harry to stop.

Snape: "That's ten points, Miss Granger, for trying to interfere. Now how many is that total?"

Neville: "That's seventy points from Gryffindor, sir. Including when we first came in, and Harry asked if Hagrid knew you raided his supply shed for hair products."

Snape: "That's enough. Now if I have to come back and discipline you, I'm not going to be pleased. So I advise you to behave."

Snape shuts door, and Harry bellows "You greasy git!" Snape hears and seethes but does not return.

Draco: "This sucks, guys. Why should I have to be cooped up all day? I'm going to tell Father, and he's going to tell Dumbledore."

Hermione: "I think we should all shut up and do the essay."

Draco: "I can't believe I'm missing Quidditch practice for this."

Harry: "You only made the team because your daddy bought everyone new brooms."

Draco: "At least I can stay on my broom, which is more than you can."

Harry: "I was hexed, stupid."

There is a sudden squeak as Luna Lovegood topples forward on her desk and keeps her head down.

Harry to Hermione: "How about if you and I go somewhere private and snog?"

Hermione: "You're disgusting."

Draco: "Leave her alone."

Harry: "Oh yeah. Who's gonna make me?"

Draco: "I will. I can take you anytime you want. With wands or without."

Harry: "You and your two stooges, you mean."

Draco: "Just me."

A silence falls.

Harry takes a knife and starts to carve something into the table.

Hermione plays with her quill, without really writing anything.

Luna takes her wand and makes rainbow colored bubbles come out the end. Then she pops them by blowing hard.

Draco eats a packet of Chocolate Frogs, then burps loudly.

Neville takes his toad and tries to turn it into a pincushion. It doesn't work.

Two hours later

Snape opens the door and sticks his head in. "Time for lunch."

Harry: "Will we be eating in here? With all the pickled body parts? That doesn't seem very sanitary."

Snape: "Shut up. Yes?"

Neville: "Will butterbeer be provided for us, sir? We are extremely thirsty, sir."

Snape considers the group, then points at Draco and Luna. "Mr. Malfoy and Miss Lovegood, go get the butterbeer."

Draco and Luna head toward the vending machine.

Draco, trying to sound cool: "So what's your poison?"

Luna: "Fire whiskey."

Draco stares at her, then shrugs.

They return with the drinks.

Luna takes her wand and makes the bologna from her sandwich zoom around the room.

Draco pops a Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean into his mouth, then spits it out gagging.

Neville eats a sandwich that has been cut into four triangles.

Hermione takes chopsticks and eats something out of a carton.

Harry for whatever reason doesn't seem to have a lunch.

Draco finishes and looks over at Neville.

Draco: "What's that? Aw. PB&J with the crusts cut off."

Neville looks mortified.

Draco: "I bet your gran made that for you."

Hermione: "Shut up, Draco."

Draco: "Here's my impression of life at Neville's house. Gran: Hello, Neville. Neville: Howdy, Gran. Everything's just swell at Hogwarts. Gran: Would you like a Chocolate Frog? Neville: Sure, but first I have to do all my homework. Gran: Isn't my grandson wonderful?"

Neville: "Yeah, well the reason I live with my gran is that my parents are in St. Mungo's. They got cursed by Voldemort, and now they're incurably insane."

Draco looks embarrassed.

Harry: "What about you, Draco? What's life like at Malfoy manor?"

Draco shrugs.

Harry: "Come on, fess up. Since we're all spilling our guts."

Draco: "My parents are Death Eaters, okay? That means they have Lord Voldemort over for dinner a lot. His idea of fun is using the Imperius Curse on one of our guests. Kind of takes my appetite away watching people get tortured."

Harry, after a minute: "You want to see a scar?"

Draco: "We've all seen your famous scar, Potter."

Harry: "No, this a different one. Look." Points to a circle on his leg, "This is where my cousin Dudley bit me. When he was eleven-years-old."

Hermione: "No offense, Harry, but that's a really lame story."

Harry: "Well, I've got other scars from where Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia have whacked me. Plus I had to sleep in cupboard under the stairs for eleven years. And all I got for my birthday was a pair of Uncle Vernon's smelly socks."

Draco: "I don't believe that."

Harry leans in: "Do…I…stutter?"

Draco backs away.

Neville: "What about your parents, Hermione?"

Hermione: "They're okay. Except they're both dentists, and they won't let me straighten my teeth by magic." Pause. "Yeah, I know that's totally lame."

Luna, suddenly: "Ha!"

They all look over.

Draco: "What's life like at your house?"

Luna: "My mum is dead. And my dad ignores me."

Awkward silence.

Harry: "So Hermione, I'm thinking either you or Neville should do the essay. I don't want to get any more points off Gryffindor."

Neville: "It's your own fault. You lost seventy points for no good reason today."

Harry: "It's all Snape's fault. Not mine."

Neville: "Sure, Harry. Whatever you say."

Draco: "You do seem to have a knack for pissing him off."

Harry: "By the way, why are you even here? You're Snape's favorite."

Draco: "My dad's always talking about all the pranks he got up to when he was at Hogwarts. So I tried to sneak out to the Forbidden Forest, but I got cold feet and went screaming out. Professor McGonagall heard and caught me."

Harry: "I was caught sneaking into the girls' bathroom in my Invisibility Cloak. Dumbledore was not pleased, even when I told him I was hiding from Lord Voldemort."

Hermione: "I answered my five hundredth question correctly in Potions thus completely threatening Professor's Snape authority as a teacher. He said I was being an insufferable know-it-all."

Neville: "Hey, at least you're competent. I'm here because I accidentally turned my cauldron into a mouse. Then it got eaten before I could change it back, and Gran had to buy me a new one. What about you, Luna?"

Luna: "I came because I wanted to."

The day draws to a close.

Hermione and Luna go outside the room. Hermione removes Luna's butterbeer cork earrings and takes out the dragonhide scrunchie that holds her hair back, thus allowing her hair to cascade around her face. They go back inside.

Harry stares at Luna, and says brilliantly: "You look….different."

Meanwhile Neville scribbles away, reads it over, then kisses the parchment.

The five pack up their things and leave.

Neville narrates: "Dear Professor Snape: We accept the fact that what we did was wrong. But we resent the fact that we had to write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us…But what we learned is that everyone is a dork, a perfectionist, a basket case, an spoiled rich kid and a snot nosed brat."

Snape rolls his eyes and crumples up the parchment.

Hermione and Draco make plans to study for their Potions exam together. They exchange awkward smiles then part.

Harry stands at the edge of the Quidditch pitch and pumps his arms in the air. In one of his ears is a butterbeer cork.

The end.


End file.
